don't let anyone

I am so angry I can't sleep. I could either go over this in my head all night or post it here and maybe it will help someone out there. I posted an article to The F Word blog a while ago about how common it is for men to harrass girls on the street and recounted experiences of close people and my own where much older men have perved on, groped and tried to get people into cars with them. You can read the article as I know a lot of young girls read here and I'd bet you know the feeling of horrible men following you or making lewd comments who must be twice your age.

I finished exams on Friday and had a great time since and tonight my housemates and I went to a student night at a club that is one of the more decent ones, as in the boys wear shirts and there's an outside terrace in a more upmarket part of town. You know I obsess about clothes and planned outfits over the week before we leave for the year as we planned loads of nights out and thought oh maybe it's time to bring out the american apparel purple dress. This is where it all sounds stupid because I always wear their dresses but I've only worn the purple one very few times because black is more understated. The purple is more out there because as I've said before I have a stupidly big bum, my sister is the same but she has boobs so is more curvy but I'm just skinny and somehow the purple dress just makes that worse. When I've worn it before people have been like woah look at her ass but it's more of a symbol for me. A few years ago I had no confidence in myself and didn't think anyone would ever like me and especially coming here and being around so many girls I just hated myself. Now I just think what the hell, actually I can wear what I want I don't need to live up to anyone else and when I bought the dress after seeing it mainly on blogs I could see that it made my bum look massive and never wore it. I'd worn skirts before and people called me fat ass in the street.

But in college a lot of my best friends happened to be black and they said woah you have a black girls ass, that's no bad thing. Friends always make you feel so good about yourself and sometimes it's just the way you've always looked at something and it changes and I thought, what the hell, yeah I have a big bum, so what. So I wore the purple dress once on a themed night at uni for bright clothes at my student halls and even as I was walking round people were saying hey your ass is crazy. To me it's the most normal thing in the world it doesn't look any different to anyone else's but a girl came over and said 'me and my friends were all talking about your ass!.' It's like with red hair, I always felt like I was ugly and everyone would just look down on me because I had almost a lower hair colour than everyone else but maybe as you get older you look at things in the real light and there are so many people who love it. So it's just been a long running joke, just like someone with big boobs, where maybe people would say oh this is selina, look at her ass.

But at least now there are guys out there who love big bums. I don't know if it was the whole 'does my bum look big in this' negative theory before but tonight I wore the purple dress just for the hell of it, because it's the most dressy and generally glam dresses I have, most others are prom dresses or black dresses and it's the end of the year and like even at Girls Aloud it just fitted the occassion. At that concert a poster seller gave us free posters to get my number and a drag queen outside this cheesy club we went to said 'god, look at that girls ass.' Tonight at first the club was crowded and the bar was pushy and after a while as everyone went to different rooms or outside and moved round the club, people started checking everyone out I guess and guys started buzzing round us and nudging each other about my bum. A group of guys were staring for ages and I was trying to dance, but I'm not shy so I kept looking at them and my friends were like oh it's the ass. One guy started talking to me and telling this weird, long joke with this drawing on a napkin but I started talking to his other friends and was like hey, why were you looking at me and my friends. They were medics and were like 'ahh we were just you know looking' and I was like haha no, why were you looking at my ass, and they were all shocked like eeek um how did you know that! But I chatted to a few of them for ages, they were 4th years so a bit more mature than everyone else in the club and generally a decent group of guys.

We went to different rooms and I knew people were looking at the dress and loads of guys kept brushing their hands against me and I don't like that. I hate groping. If you would never grab a girl's boob you should never grab a girl's bum. It's the way a guy moves past you and strokes your waist or touches your back, is that just general ok behaviour or sneaky thrills for pervy guys who think it's ok to touch any girl? I love meeting people in clubs as much as the next person and it is so rare for a guy to start up a conversation, most will touch you first. Is this OK?

If you can see where this is going, the dress was a bit of a joke by the end of the night and as the dancefloor was more sparse guys were pointing and looking. A few guys kept hovering close so I was like hey, whats up and one was saying oh I dropped my passport! So... what's your name? and his friend was like you have a nice derierre! Just stupid things like that, that were funny at the time. But to me I'm not a some kind of freak, I was born this way, this is just how I naturally am and should I hide what I look like? Should I flaunt it? Should you wear something that gets you attention even if it is decent, it's not like I was half naked or even 3/4 naked, I was wearing leggings for god's sake. I wasn't flashing, and in fact I saw more then two girls in the aa u-neck dresses that night, most black but one girl in the bright red. I don't know if I was asking for attention, it's no big deal to me and I love the dress so wore it for me, not to see if I could find a guy or get people to look at me or talk about me.

The ironic thing is that we were just leaving and as we walked through the bar I was at the end of my friends as suddenly someone hit me. People have pinched my bum in the past and I always turn and demand why they did that but this was horrible. The guy had hit me so hard he must have raised his arm right up and whacked me really fast. In an area with lots of people in for that split second I was shocked and embarrassed and turned around to see a big cocky guy dancing and said what the hell? He was really tall and just ignored me and I said excuse me why did you do that really angrily. He looked down and said 'ohh I thought you were someone else, I thought you were her haha' but right then I was angry, really angry. By now my friends were still on their way out and I had stopped and stood there saying that wasn't an accident, why did you just do that. He said look I'm having a great night just go away. How can someone do that, techically groping or harrassing or is it even sexually abusing someone. Physically hurting someone for their own gratification, I just felt horrible. It was no accident, he just thought he'd do that to me beause he could and had some kind of right to. Well I was really upset and went to the bar to ask for a bouncer, where the girl came out from round the huge bar and I explained how some guy had just hit me and she told someone to get the bouncers. They'd been patrolling the club all night and one was next to the guy in a second trying to reason with a girl who had her arm round him. It all happened really fast, I started telling the bouncer what had happened and more bouncers came and the guy sort of went off as I was telling them what happened. I just felt stupid, it was so embarrassing having to say 'yeh some guy just hit my ass really hard' and it just made me sick to think he could go off and carry on enjoying his best night out thinking that he could go and touch girls how he pleased. The bouncers were like the black guy in the grey tshirt? and went off to find him, while my friends were like what? I felt like I had just caused this big drama and basically asked for it, do I have a right to wear a dress that shows off my body without expecting someone to grope it and hurt it? I knew wearing it would make people notice my bum but for at least the first hour nothing happened, it was just I guess when people get drunk and become more confident and think they can do what they want. Surely I have a right to wear whatever I want and not worry if a man will assume it is an invitation. But I felt so foolish and like it was in the end my fault but half of me was so angry and I knew I didn't ask for him to do that, no one else had done that. The boucers came past nearly straight away with him in toe and he walked out with his head up, not looking to either side as they took him outside to chuck him out. Thats when one of my housemates said all his friends are going to beat us up which made me feel even more stupid, like it was my fault and I should have just left it, like I'd endangered them. I was so angry and she kept telling me that his girl friend were going to come and start a fight on me so when the bouncer came back to say they'd chucked him out I told them that his friends were around. That's when a girl walking out shouted at me 'thanks for ruining my last night of uni' and they all went outside and the bouncers were like right, we'll watch you when you leave.

I'm not into debates or pushing opinions on anyone or arguments but I've always stood up for myself and that guy just revolted me. No one has the right to do that to anyone, to even lay a little finger on someone you've never met. The thing that's really upset me is that is it any different to hitting someone round the face? If he'd hit me that hard there he would have knocked me to the floor. But because it was my ass it's almost like that's an OK place. I just feel horrible and feel so strongly about no girl ever coming to harm from a man who thinks he was treat people like that. I didn't ask for him to do that despite wearing a fitting dress, and part of me asks well did you? I keep telling myself that I have a right to wear whatever I want and if every other guy can hold themselves back and even actually be nice, why did he have to do that. What did he think I would do? Be happy? Did he not think that might hurt me, that I might not want some random man to touch me. It was the fact that he hit me so hard that I had to get the bouncer, I felt violated. But his friend made me feel awful, I didn't set out to ruin anyone's night and hate to think that. As we went outside to a taxi the girls were waiting and the guy was there, and he started following us and shouting things while the bouncer pushed him back. It was horrible but I still think anyone should stand up to someone who hurts them. But now it's just making me sick to think what would have happened if his girl friends had waited for us outside and followed us or if he had came back. Is it worth it to stand up to someone despite the consequences? I watched a programme a few months ago about people who were being beat up or abused in the street or on buses and the people that had risked their own lives to try to help them, rather than other people who sat by too scared. I don't ever want to let myself be too frightened to stand up to people who harm others or myself. Does that mean I need to risk getting hurt? Does that mean I should cover myself up and go out with a shy appearance to not send out some kind of 'message' to guys that they can touch up girls? I'm praying that girl really meant it when she said it was her last night here, and that's the same for all of them because what if I see them tomorrow? The only good thing is that I hope he will never touch a girl like that again, never hit a girl, never make a girl feel violated. Why couldn't his friends see that?

Comments

[Jocelyne]

You did the right thing. By no means were you asking for this. You DO have the right to wear what you want. No one should ever touch you in any unwanted way, especially with force. Even if it was just a brush up against you it was WRONG. I'm so glad you stood up for your self, you are a strong woman and that will get you far in life. His friends were stupid to be hanging out with such a creep, you should not feel bad in any way because you did what was right. I hope you can see how strong you were to stick up for your self. Don't ever regret doing the right thing. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a traumatic experience. I hope nothing like that happens to you again, ever.

[Zoe]

Good for you for sticking up for yourself! There are many out there who would've dropped it. When nothing is done about things like that it reinforces the idea that it's acceptable, you showed him otherwise.
Don't doubt yourself for a second. Everyone has the right to look how they want without the fear of being harassed or abused. You did the right thing! :)

[Blanca]

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through something like this. You are completely right. NO ONE has the right to touch any single part of you without your permission. It is harassment, abuse, or whatever else you may want to call it. Essentially, it is trespassing. And you make a VERY good point. If had hit you like that on your face, it would definitely not be acceptable, so why should it be anywhere else?
Feeling somewhat like you brought it upon yourself is natural...we always doubt our actions when the immediate consequences aren't always peachy. However, wearing whatever you want to wear is your right as a human being. Thousands of other girls prance around in AA u-neck dresses and just because you have different body proportions you shouldn't? That would be ridiculous.
I am proud that you did the right thing. I hope this reminds the other girls who follow this blog to stand up for themselves the next time they have a similar experience.

[Tommy]

wow I admire you. Something similar happened to me a while ago and I was too shy to do anything so I ran away letting that guy laughing at me. You did the right thing, you can be proud of yourself,it's girls acting like you did who give courage and self-confidence to the shy girls. I'm sure I won't let anyone violate my rights again, so thank you.

[Amelia]

That's so terrible. You absolutely, absolutely did the right thing. That takes a lot of guts to stand up to him like that and I don't know if I could do that, so I'm really admire you for that.

[Lucy-Jane]

I feel really angry reading this. What a smarmy arsehole.
I really can't believe people like that exist and I wish they didn't. I'm also so sorry that you had to go through all that.
You have every right to wear what ever you want and it has notihng to do with whether you are keen or not! On top of that, I think its even violating that they were making such gestures about your arse. If they did that about somebody's boobs she'd have every right to walk up to them and kick them in the balls, so I don't see how it is any diffirent. It is violating and it reduces you to a sexual object, which is probably why that guy thought he had the right to slap you in the arse.
I once read something about a girl who got raped while she was over seas and they didn't prosicute the guy because she was wearing a short skirt. It just makes me so mad, I can't even begin to articulate it.
On top of that, those stupid girls telling you that you ruined their night, well they do the female race and injustice. When I see girls like that, I just want to send them back to the 1800s and make them work for less money then men, because that is what they deserve. I mean how long have we struggled for equality, while they still pander to oafish men?

Sorry, I am probably going off the topic, but as a red head myself, I have had similar experiences and so I really connect with what you are saying.
And you should never, ever, ever let anybody dictate how you dress or how you present yourself. Especially men.

[Yoshi]

This post made me really sad... but I have to say that I really admire you for standing up for yourself. I think it is always worth it to stand up for yourself, regardless of the consequences.
And of course you have a right to wear whatever you like. People should not be harrassed, embarrassed or made into a public spectacle because of the way they choose to dress.

[lizzie]

I'm so sorry Selina, it's horrible that this happened to you. It is a problem though, guys in general seem to have forgotten manners when it comes to interacting with girls and unfortunately a lot (not all, by any means) but lots of them revel in the anonymity of a night out and will do whatever they want, to impress their friends or whatever with no regard or even recognition that the girl they are targeting has feelings. You did completely the right thing in calling this to the attention of the bouncers, and completely the right thing is wearing that dress. The problem is not with you or what you were wearing, but with many young men at the moment. Well done for being so brave!

[Sophie]

I think you have every right to feel the way you do! And the question I'm now wondering is why on earth was the girl annoyed at YOU, when her boyfriend is the one that hit you on the bum like that?? I'd go mad at my boyfriend if he smacked a girl's bum in a club (or anywhere!), not only because he shouldn't be randomly spanking other girls but also because, as you've said, it's a horrible thing to do. Don't feel bad, you definitely weren't asking for it.

[S]

I didn't know you posted on the F Word! Feminists (who like fashion) power.

Good for you. I know that type of "pat" on the bum that actually feels like someone hit you with a cricket bat. How hard is the concept that just because we have tried to look nice doesn't mean we have opened the gates for all comers to maul us at every opportunity.

[SJ]

A couple of years ago I went on a uni night out, and there were these guys hassling me for ages, to the point that I was just going to leave because I wasn't having any fun at all - in fact it was really annoying. I was texting a friend telling him what I was doing when I was stabbed in the arm with a syringe by one of the guys, and he said something along the lines of "paying attention to us now, are you?" obviously I was totally freaked out and ran to get my friends and only one of them was like "ok we need to get the bouncers" while the others were just more concerned with what would happen to *them*. Long story short, the bouncers made it seem like it was my fault, saying "well you've been drinking" (I actually hadn't) and that nothing bad had ever happened in the club before so why should it now (nevermind my bleeding arm!) so they were useless. Obviously I got myself down to the hospital and all that but the point that I'm trying to make is that sometimes, people are total tossers. You have every right to wear what YOU want and not be harassed about it. It's a good thing you had helpful bouncers and they actually kicked the guy out. Well done for standing up for yourself and not being too intimidated to do so!

[sandra]

You were right for standing up for yourself. It's always that silly argument of if you were sexy stuff shouldn't you except guys to leer at you. Really whatever if guys look and appreciate whatever, because yes everyone has the right to wear whatever they want. That guy had no right to smack you, fucking vile and to not even apologise is just rude. I've always had a problem with guys, when I turned 13 I looked older than I actually was and older men have always perved on me, seriously throughout my whole life. I remember a guy did it to me once when I was with a friend and she went MAD and although it's angered me I slowly got used to it and this is at time where i'm not even wearing anything provocative. I'm not even an exceptionnaly pretty girl so I don't know where this attention spans from. Bottom line though it's rank to have guys attempting to grope you. I recently turned 18 and it still happens and I'm like ew sick pervs but really being 18 I guess they're not but back when I was 13 no one knew how old I was yet they were still perving!
ha this has turned into a little rant about me. But I agree with that you said and I'm glad you made a big deal about it, you felt violated and you'd only be angry with yourself if you didn't voice it.

<3

[Alyse]

i feel the same, im 15 and the other day i was walking to school and some car of guys drive pass and shout out something about my boobs, i was like um.. what the hell and then im sitting at the bus stop and there was no traffic but carsactully slowed down when they came pass me!!! and the other day my fiends were walking down the street and some guys slowed down when going pass them and asked if they were over 16 and in about 100 meters actully turnd around and asked for their numbers and when they told me i was like what did they think you would hop in their car and go have sex with them or something, i was like what the hell!! anyhow great blog and great post :)

x. A

[Zoe, Conversation Pieces]

Oh my, so sorry this happened to you! You have a total right to feel so angry. I'm surprised you didn't hit him back... what a total jerk!

I too have a bit of J-Lo ass in comparison to the rest of me and it really does bother me sometimes when you're out having a good time or just wandering round town and people feel the need to comment or touch.

(My worst recently was that my friend made me look at wedding dresses in a window one night after being in the pub (she's getting married not me) and some guy came staggering up, grabbed me by the hips and pointed out that my hips were too huge to wear the dress we were looking at... Nice huh?)

I really hope this doesn't change the way you feel about how you dress etc – some a-hole shouldn't be allowed to change the way you feel about yourself. Big hug x

[KB]

I felt so upset when I read this, I've always thought that you had a beautiful figure, with great proportions, but that's not really the point here. You shouldn't feel responsible for anything that happened, your body is your own, and that guy who hit you is utterly despicable. You were right to tell the bouncers, and I know it's hard to see it now, but you were in the right.

[Sarah S =)]

Oh poor you :( It's so terrible that this had to happen to you. Usually I'm just a lurker here but this story made me feel so mad that I had to reply, just so you know you have lots of people out there supporting you :) I hope it's that girl's last day of uni as well - it'd be awful meeting them again some other day and having them remember you. Hmm, from what some other commenters (and your article on the F Word) say, I was pretty shocked at how often things like this (eg asking a young girl for her number, harassing her etc) happens... I live in Australia and I have to say this hardly ever happens... :S

[brooke]

O what a horrible experience! Please don't let it get you down too much. He's obviously an awful person with no value for women or morals thus his crappy life is nowhere near as fulfulling and enlightened as your innocent, friendly and giving existence. I feel pity for these types of pathetic losers, if anything.

Coming from australia i've had no where near as much attention from horrible freaks as i've had since moving to london. Sleazy asian men, pig faced chavs, chauvanistic young men, etc etc you name it. This was a big shock and used to get me down quite a bit until i realised that these kind of people will look to bring down anything they don't understand (because they're incredibly stupid) and thats what stupid people do. Usually they're incredibly ugly too and just jealous.

It just sucks you had to be physically hurt from this awful experience.

This dude obviously is completely retarded with a bitch of a girlfriend and a lot of pent up anger (about his shitty life) to take out on someone smaller and weaker than him. Seriously, i bet he would piss his pants if confonted with another guy.

These kind of people usually get whats coming to them in the end.
xxx

[brooke]

p.s i would kill for a figure like yours! And your hair too :)

[Franki]

Aaaargh! This sort of thing makes me so angry! I'm so sorry you had to deal with this on what should have been a fun night out, but you definitely did the right thing in getting the bouncers involved. Guys like that need to realise that such behaviour is just not acceptable; it doesn't matter if you're only joking around, you have absolutely no right to touch a girl like that.
I've always had a big bum too and constantly have to deal with pervy guys 'accidentally' grazing it or even, on one occasion, actually lifting my skirt up. It's just so frustrating that there are so many guys still living in the stone age who think that they can just treat a girl like a piece of meat and there shouldn't be any repurcussions for such foul behaviour. If this happened in the street, it would be looked at completely differently, but just because you're in a club, where everyone's drinking and dancing, it's treated like a joke.

I hope you're ok and that this doesn't put too much of a dampener on the rest of your week - please don't let that pig (and his idiot friends) get you down!!! xxxx

[NiceAndShiny]

Idont think you are to blame, at all!! That idiot had no right to lay a finger on you, and you are completely right that it is harrasment and something needed to be done. I think you did the right thing to tell the bouncers, its that stupid guys fault that he hit you. Drunk or not, people should not be touching anyone else without permission/knowing them. You did the right thing, even if it caused drama who cares? Maybe he'll remember the night better and actally think about what he'd done.

I read that article you wrote before and I liked it a lot. I do think that this kind of unessesary and inappropriate attention that girls get from men (esp older) is a problem in Britian, moreso than where I'm from. Since being here I've gotten wistled at and shouted at, and Ive been wearing jeans and tshirts every day!! To tell you the truth Im a bit frightened to wear anything more adventurous because of this. I wore leggings and along tshirt AND an AA hoodie yesterday and got so many stares. In my own city I'm never afraid to wear what I want, so this is a completly new feeling to me.

I honestly do think it's a problem that more people should know about and do something about. Women should be able to wear what they want and not get sexually harrased in any way. Of course, if you go out half naked then more thought could be put in on the womens side, but for the most part I think people should be able to wear what they want.

Like I said before, you did the right thing and I'm proud of you! Thank you for sharing your story, and know that there a lot of people to back you up <3!!

<3<3<3

[annah]

Selina, you are gorgeous and it makes me sick that there are people like this in the country. i was walking through town the other day when some 15 year old chav slapped my ass, in full day light. it's really, really not acceptable. you really are so beautiful and please don't let this crap get you down.

xxxxxxx

[Leah]

Wow selina, I am at a slight loss for what to say. I admire you for having the guts to stand up and say something because you are completely and utterly right, it should not happen.

My friend took me to gay pride in Birmingham a couple of weeks ago (first night out I'll add), which was alright, the only crap thing being a guy who slapped my bum as we were walking past. I wish I'd had the guts to say something, but if I recall, all I did was shout "fuck off" without turning round and walked off. This was in a gay bar (obviously not everyone there is gay, but I imagine it is slightly better than in some other places) and I was wearing jeans & a t-shirt (really wasn't in the mood for dressing up that day) - hardly "look at me" material.

It baffles me why some men think that women dress for their amusement and satisfaction and what is worse, is that some actually think it's okay to act upon it.

I'm rather surprised that the girlfriend of the bloke who hit you was annoyed at you. If it were me, I'd be really pissed off that he was hitting other girls' bums instead of paying attention to me, but hey ho, maybe some women are like that.

[Tamara]

It is nice to hear that you stood up for yourself and got the bouncers to chuck that guy out. It anoys me that the girl he was with didn't see your side of the story, the fact he hit you should of been enough really. Even if it was 'the best night ever' or 'last night of uni' thats no excuse for any of them to act like dicks. Don't worry about seeing them again, becuse you probably won't and if you do and they try and start anything, most clubs would kick someone like that out.

[Emma]

You totally did the right thing. I know the feeling, when i was about 17 i was out and a bloke pulled my top down exposing my boobs to the whole place, its just awful and i can;t understand why people think they have the right to do that.I can't undertsnad that guys girlfriend, why would be thinks its no big deal for your boyfriend to hurt another girl. x

[Miss R]

Isn't it horrific that most girls reading this have thought, "Ohmygod, something almost exactly like this happened to me"? Why is it that boys seemed to have lost all decency when it comes to females?
You did the right thing, and I would have done exactly the same as you in your situation. In my opinion the bouncers should have taken it even further and permanently banned him from the place. Guys should know that there is no excuse for that sort of behaviour: By letting him get away with it it's almost like telling him that his behaviour was acceptable. Eurgh, I'm no angry right now. You're a beautiful person, well done for standing up for
yourself. Never let anyone else EVER make you think otherwise.

Xxxxxx